About a year ago, I was probably at one of the lowest points of my married life. I was lost and confused and hurting and angry and mad and sad and everything else that goes along with one’s dreams of the perfect love being in reality a farce on both sides. I was still so mentally and emotionally conditioned to please someone in any way I could that I even felt that I needed to apologize to anyone and everyone I had thought were my friends for the past several years. Looking back, I realize that not one of those people were actually my friends. They were my ex-husband’s friends. They just dealt with me because of him. None of them really had ever cared for me as a friend. I was simple a source of gossip and laughter for them. I never did fit in. I didn’t care about fancy clothes and jewelery. I didn’t spend hundreds of dollars a month getting my hair dyed and my nails done. I didn’t get a baby sitter every weekend night and head for the bars. My version of an enjoyable outing was to have coffee…with some of those people. Jeepers! What a fool I was! My own real friends drifted off because they did not feel welcome or comfortable with the way he treated them. And the distance from where I had moved to from where they lived created issues as well. So essentially, I was alone in his world.
The one I needed to apologize to was myself. Me. Little Ol’ Me. Why? Because I let myself become so emotionally manipulated and controlled that I simply shut down from the inside out. I didn’t give my own opinions on anything, mainly because I would be called stupid. I felt ugly, I never felt that I was good enough, that what I did was good enough, that I could do anything good enough. And that was in every aspect. From working cows, to riding horses, to cleaning house, to cooking, to sex. When you get told enough that you just don’t do it right or you didn’t clean well enough or you are getting fat or you’re lazy in bed, you eventually start to believe it and quit caring. And that’s what I did. All I could wonder is who the green eyed girl was. Why I couldn’t do the dishes right. Why I couldn’t get the clothes clean enough. Why I came in behind that damned used manure spreader when all I wanted…WE NEEDED was a cheap refrigerator on sale. I quit caring. I quit caring about myself. The first word automatically out of my mouth was usually “Sorry”…because I just knew I had done something wrong. The only things that did brighten my life was my children and my career…and my career was under constant pressure because that was not good enough either.
So I apologize to myself. I am sorry I allowed myself to be that beaten down.
